A Rant About MTF “Stealth”

The use of the word stealth has lost it’s meaning in the last decade. I here people who go to TG support group meetings, activities and who run TG websites claim to be “stealth” now. When I came out, going to TG support group meetings, activities and running TG forums was the definition of being out in a big way! Some now say that “stealth” means one thing and “woodworking” another. I call BS. You can’t woodwork without being stealth. It’s like saying that the word “hide” and “conceal” are fundamentally different. If you’re going to conceal something, you have to hide it; if you’re going to woodwork, you’ve got to be stealth. Some say “stealth” means privacy. Privacy is not telling my sex partner that I had my appendix removed; stealth is not telling my sex partner that I had my penis removed.

Pretending that being “out” now means telling the everyone you meet you’re TG is BS. Associating with others in the TG community while claiming to be stealth is a mischaracterization of what stealth is.

Stealth is pretending to everyone that you’re a biological female. It means living in fear that the husband you lied to will find out that you didn’t actually have a hysterectomy. It means always wondering if your friends would really like you if they knew the truth. Stealth is running away from or verbally running down your trans brothers and sisters so that others won’t make the connection. Stealth means that you hide being trans.

Stealth is about shame and nothing more. Not telling the grocery sacker that you’re trans is not stealth. Trying to get your parents to lie to your new boyfriend is being stealth. Not telling every co-worker in the building that you’re trans is not being stealth. Not telling your best friend is being stealth.

If you associate with other trans people, you’re not in stealth because your putting yourself in a position of allowing more and more people to know the truth about your past. Isolating and hiding your past is what it means to live in stealth.

Stealth people say things like “I just want to get on with my life as the woman I am” – a sentiment that sounds rational enough. The problem is that it’s also a delusion. Stealth people rationalize their lies by believing that being trans was just a medical problem that was fixed. If you believe that, remember that I said that you’re delusional when your best friend, your husband, your boyfriend, your adopted child, etc finds out that you lied.

Anyway… pretending to be a biological female is stupid and never works. You can never destroy every piece of history documenting your true past and you certainly can’t kill everyone how knows the truth. Choosing stealth is a shame-based way to live because it supports the belief that being trans is bad and should be hidden. Being a transwoman is just another way of being a woman. If you want to save yourself a lot of misery, be truthful about the history that made you into the wonderful person you are today to the people who matter to you. You don’t need to tell the gas station attendant, but the point of transitioning is that you get to live authentically. Don’t put yourself into a position that you have to go back to living a lie; don’t go from one closet to another.