Today, I have begun to actually look forward to the hours I must spend in the morning and in the evening doing the post-surgical care. It is an opportunity for introspection. Last night, I went to sleep feeling balance within the core of my being. This morning, the first thought to burst into my head wasn’t the question of what I might do today in order occupy the next 24 hours, or FOOD… MUST EAT, or the usual cacophony of thoughts and images that seems to immediately consume my psyche. When my mind began to slowly drift back from a restful nights slumber and into the cushy bed that I was occupying, I took a moment to appreciate that perfect cozy position that takes all night to achieve. After that, I smiled because the fist image to enter my mind was the representation of the Meditation Buddha and the resulting thought was, Know Yourself. I smiled again, trusting the Path that had lead me to this very morning.
I usually wake up about 5:45 AM or there about by myself. I spent some extra time this morning enjoying the rising sun and the mist that seems to crown the top of the mountain range from my window. I felt calm.
Due to the extra time I spent enjoying being still, I arrived at the morning buffet a bit latter than usual. As I sat down to eat, I saw another patient of Dr. Suporn whom I had briefly met at the clinic and so I waved her over. Come to find out, we have a lot in common: Our heartbreak as we watch the dream that is America vanish before our eyes, our mutual affinity for this land, it’s people and their culture and last and certainly not least, our abundance of joy in the fact that Wannee is in this world. Ha!
I want to stay here. I don’t want to go back to Texas. If it were not for the radiance of seven little sentient lights which lure me back, I would not return. Luke and Jodi, Kim and Cairistona, my grandmother and my brother and, oh yes… I could not abandon Bartosh Davenport either.
I will miss my mountains. I will miss the people. I will miss this blue sea. The notion of returning to western culture feels as if my spirit is about to be dropped into a vat of ice water. I will miss Wannee’s warm presence and the earthy flavor of Thailand itself.
But, I feel that I am supposed to go back. I know that it is time for me to grow up in many areas of my life. Perhaps, after I return home, it will not be too long before I am able to once again know the sun’s first light upon these mountains. But as I am writing this, I can hear Wannee bending my ear to say, “Yes, is very beautiful. But that is outside, not the inside.”