I think that, perhaps one person’s life can be perceived as a journey of many journeys. Beginning and the middle and finally, the end of that beginning… and the beginning of the next ending, and so forth. I am coming to the end of the beginning of this moment in time I have chosen to call a journey. Tomorrow, I will begin a journey back to to where my family… my blood family… as well as to those, for whom grace has prevailed upon my own preoccupations to become family. That is, I am returning to those who became family – not because they are of any familial linage; they are family because we share agape…
For me, agape is a state of love that does not require you to love me in return. The state of agape is not contingent upon your actions. Agape means that I honor myself by wanting/affirming your greatest good.
I have become aware that when my website building abilities are compared the some of the web designers in Thailand – I can fairly confidently say that I could be one of the better ones in this market – that is to say that I feel fairly certain that I could make a good living in Thailand… if I so choose. As I have said before, I think that I have some growing up to do and that needs to happen at home.
So many parts of myself which have been asleep for so long have yawned, stretched and decided to wake up within this past few weeks.
During this journey, I haven’t found passion – I have experienced balance. I have wept at least as much during this journey as I have during my blackest of moments and yet, my tears were of profound gratitude – not grief. I brought with me some very heavy burdens that I have been caring for so long that I thought that they were wounds that were simply part of me. I didn’t seek a therapist while I was here, I didn’t try to intellectualize anything away, nor did I even come here with any expectation that I would find breakthroughs… (with the exception of the surgery itself – I expected that I would feel some huge paradigm shift… a cathartic moment … or any of those words we westerners like to throw around to make or experiences feel really important.) what I felt was peace, a contentment/harmony – a balance.
I find myself simply repeating things which I have already tried to give voice to. Tomorrow I return home. It is the right thing for me to do. When I return home, there are many more “right things” that I need to allow myself to experience. And again, I here Wannee in my ear… “Do the right thing, make the good thing, Everything… be OK.” In other words, as they say in the program… “it works when you work it… it’s a journey, not a destination.”