“Privacy is not telling my spouse that I had a wart removed; stealth is not telling my spouse that I had a penis removed”

Privacy is not having a spouse at all. We have a significant personal history post-op. Every year the time when I transitioned seemed more distant. The very idea that I have been a man, or male, or a guy seems ludicruous. Quite frankly, I don’t remember much of that time.

I am just too lazy to think about trans issues all the time. Some people still remember, once in facebook one asked whether I was married to a guy or gal. I said – does it really matter, my spouse was violent. (Finnish having no gendered pronouns makes it easy).

I don’t see myself inferior to cis women, perhaps a little bit superior. I have actually thought feverishly about my gender, whilst few of them have thought theirs.

“If you associate with other trans people, you’re not in stealth because you’re putting yourself in a position of allowing more and more people to know the truth about your history”

That is why we have the nondisclosure agreement.

“Stealth people rationalize their lies by believing that being trans was only a medical problem that was fixed – kind of like a cleft palette; purposefully pretending that there wasn’t a social transition that entailed violating numerous cultural norms. ”

Yeah, my tuberculosis was far more exciting and what comes to social norms, I am totally open about being an anarchist. When Helsinki Pride was about Finnish culture. I marched naked while my friends whipped me with bunces of birch branches, to the amazement of several tourists. (If you can’ t take public sauna, stay out of Finland) Not the kind of culture the Pride organization asked for. The fact that I have gone through the sex reassignment has been the least violation. In school I blew my nose once on the flag of Finland and everybody totally saw it.

“In the digital age, you can never destroy every piece of history documenting your true past and you certainly can’t kill everyone how knows the truth. ”

I can contaminate my information. Why do you think I ran for the Parliament? Now, if you google my name, it’s mostly about my political views. I got only 19 votes, so there was no danger of being elected. If my files aren’t already messed-up, because the EU is becoming more and more a mess, I can move to another country. It’s just damn expensive.

“Choosing stealth is a shame-based way to live because it supports the belief that being trans is bad and should be hidden. ”

No, it is not bad, but I am tired of explaining, because there are so many misconceptions. I start, like, you know, there is this Ramachandran-fellow that speaks about the absence of phantom genitalia and then there are news about the ts-gene being found and then there is the bed nucleus of striatus terminalis and even though I list these reasons, being TS is okay even if there were none, and blah, blah, blah, have you read “Whipping Girl”? I know it is only in English and it is not available in any public libraries. No, I think feminists are way off.

Every single time. And they are unable to even phrase their questions, because there are no words in the vocabulary. Sex change, sex reassignment, sex swap. They can’t even ask intellectual questions. I am kind enough to think what they should ask and how so that I can really answer the question they were really thinking about. Mind reading, while they are not doing the same favor with me.

About me

Some Factoids: I have lived in the USA and in Europe. I am in a relationship with a serial killer. I only drink beer when in sauna and I don’t smoke, use or drink coffee or caffinated teas. My SRS was in 2002. I disowned my parents, the rest of the family has disowned me. I’m a Gnostic. I know several people that have killed themselves, but I think, if this world is hell, there are no exits. I am currently homeless and I used to be a prostitute. I am associated with the sexual equality organization SETA, squatters, Queer-journal Kummakerho. I ran for the Parliament from the Communist Party list, but didn’t rake in many votes.

Too many PEOPLE (not just trans people) measure their self-worth by what the rest of the world thinks of them, and as a result, they're constantly living their lives for the approval of others. In my experience, the more you believe in yourself, work to improve yourself, and strive to make a difference in the world, the more people will accept you, and admire your, regardless of how you were born, what you look like, what your medical history entails, and so on. When you are a QUALITY person, and you have INTEGRITY, those are what shine through, and everything else pales in comparison.

99% of life is believing in yourself. The other 1% is believing in others. Choose those others carefully, because you are THEIR 1%, and when you look to each other in times of need, it's not going to matter one iota what used to be between your legs.

ie
Deep Stealth == closeted, lying to your spouse and closest friends
Stealth == privacy, your spouse and closest friends know but not your coworkers, casual acquaintences, etc.

I think anyone with half a brain will agree that 'Deep Stealth' is an inauthentic and unhealthy way to live. 'Stealth' on the other hand is perfectly acceptable and often necessary given the current societal climate.

Those who would deny their own history to those closest to them are only revealing their own limitations. They feel inadequate and their own lack of self-worth leads them to believe that no one else would value them enough to be able to look past their origins and see them for who they are. It is much easier to place the blame on someone else, 'men in dresses' or whoever, than to admit that they do not feel interesting enough and valuable enough to stand on their own merit.

Have you ever actually met anyone who is stealth? I'm not saying some random twit down at the gender resource center or in a drag club who conflates stealth and closeted.

Yes, I have. I've also worked with transsexuals who wanted to die because their family was destroyed after the spouse found out they had lied about their past. While I've not been around the community since the 60s, I've been around for the better part of the last 20 years which is long enough to see folks come into groups and access services and then try to live in stealth. I've seen the fear on their face when we bump into each other in the store and I've been around years later when they figured out that stealth – the stealth I'm talking about in this post – is not possible.

Nikki was never stealth; she told her husband before they began dating. She brought him to the trans clinic for me and my assistant to meet. She was out to her close friends. I've known Nikki for more than a decade; we met when she contacted me asking if she could volunteer with my organization. Nikki was never stealth; however, that's not to say that she did enjoy a level of privacy in which she was judicious about who knew about her past.

Let me ask you: What is the difference between being stealth and living in the closet? When you say stealth, do you mean that you live a closeted life or do you mean that you are simply judicious about who knows about your medical history?

Nikki was doing just fine, until people started calling her transgendered.

LOL! Wow… while I'm guessing that this belief will support a certain ideology, it's not in any way based in fact. Both Nikki and I have always identified as being transsexual women who were part of the transgender community. If you ask either of us, we'd both tell you that we are transsexuals.

The peer reviewed studies are no better, either. They go to the local transgender resource center or drag bars and survey people, and naively believe they're taking a representative sample.

WOW! Obviously you're talking about reality colored by your belief system. Otherwise you'd know that the above statement is a demonstrable falsehood. You may believe this, but that belief isn't a reflection of reality. Peer reviewed studies on the inherent risks associated with being closeted do not come from drag bars.

Stealth is choosing not to disclose something in your history that is probably irrelevant to the present – closeted is choosing not to disclose something in your present.

Obviously it's not if people lived in stealth and had their lived destroyed by it. I clearly state in my post what I'm talking about. You seem to be pretending that I'm talking about living with privacy is bad when I'm not. I'm talking about what stealth has meant in the trans community for decades.

but I don't agree to moralizing the issue and making it in to a "stealth is inherently bad or shameful".

When you use stealth in this sentence, are you referring to the type of stealth I'm talking about (closeted) or the type that you're talking about (privacy)? If we're talking about "stealth" using the context that this post is about, I disagree that it's somehow bad to state that lying to your husband is a lie… because it is one or that it is a shame-based way to live… because it is. If I don't speak the truth to my spouse because I think they will reject me if they knew who and what I really am, that's called shame. Saying what is so is not moralizing the issue, it's only saying what is so.

So I think stealth is going to rapidly come to be a thing of the past.

I tend to agree with you on the assessment of the feasibility of living in stealth though. I don't know that it will be possible as data becomes more accessible.

Have you ever actually met anyone who is stealth?

I'm not saying some random twit down at the gender resource center or in a drag club who conflates stealth and closeted. And I'm not saying people like Nikki Araguz who's life was turned upside down either.

Because I doubt you actually have. Stealthy transsexual people, by their very nature, don't engage with the transgender community. Except when something bad has happened. For the vast majority, they just get along very happily, thank you. Nikki was doing just fine, until people started calling her transgendered.

The peer reviewed studies are no better, either. They go to the local transgender resource center or drag bars and survey people, and naively believe they're taking a representative sample. They are – of trans people who hang around resource centers and drag bars.

I used to know a woman from Thailand – she worked as a computer programmer. She introduced me to a couple of her friends, also Thai, who were also computer programmers. I therefore declare that all Thai women are computer programmers.

Oh, you think I might just have been suffering from selection bias? Just maybe?

And another thing – stealth and closeted are not the same – conflating the terms does nobody any use. Stealth is choosing not to disclose something in your history that is probably irrelevant to the present – closeted is choosing not to disclose something in your present.

I have encountered people who have been stressed over the stealth parts of lives and it has a lot of pitfalls. Namely the constant stress of being "found out" is what seems to be the worst of it.

I think people should be warned against it because it can be destructive, but I don't agree to moralizing the issue and making it in to a "stealth is inherently bad or shameful". I trust people to look after their own interests and deciding how best to handle their trans status.

Plus, with computer databases and social neworking these days, unless you transitioned before the 1990s there is always going to be a credit check, hospital record or something from the internet, that will come out to bite you in the ass. So I think stealth is going to rapidly come to be a thing of the past.

I've never had a problem with people having privacy; in fact, I encourage it. I've only every had an issue with someone thinking that living in the closet is a healthy way to live. We know that living a closeted life is psychologically harmful. Would you like to cite the peer-reviewed studies? Telling people that it's okay to engage in behaviors which will harm them and result in suffering isn't compassionate; it's indifference and that is harmful.

Are you of the opinion that we should encourage people to engage in behavior that's known to be harmful? I'm not; I prefer a balanced approach: privacy.

I've never really encountered many people that are "100% stealth", usually people who are "stealth" are actually selectively out and I don't see any kind of moral problem with it.

And I think you characterizations of "running away" or even "lying" are especially harsh and unnecessary. Quite frankly, I'm not going to judge someone else's survival mechanism for living in an inherently transphobic society unless it hurts other people (ie. HBSers and WWBTs). Some people don't have financial or even physical security to be out, moralizing the question with such judgements of it being cowardly (ie. "running away") or dishonest (ie. "lying") is counterproductive and hurtful.