Saying Goodbye To My Friend, Martin Ward

Cristan

I am finding that the truth about life is that – as much as we like to be distracted and pretend that we are not connected in our hearts – the truth is that we are . So many things about my life – so many things in the lives of the people who I hold in my heart – are, in may ways, coming full circle. An old friend popped into my mind. I hadn’t seen Martin Ward in years. I spent more time thinking about this old friend than I had in the previous 12 months put together. I was remembering when I was 15 or 16 – calling him to confess – to speak the words out loud: “I think I’m a transsexual.” I was so scared. I was remembering how he laughed – his laugh – that Martin laugh – that laugh… when you heard it, you could not help but smile. Immediately, he set my shame at ease. I was also remembering being at Whitney – at the “God meeting.” I wept so hard. He held me and rocked me as I cried like a baby. So many memories were going through my head – all of them fond, heartfelt memories. It also occurred to me that I had heard that he went back out a few years ago. I thought, you know, maybe someday for some strange reason I will be at Chances in Montrose and run into him. I imagined the encounter: I would notice him in the crowd. I would be excited. I would sneak up to him and poke him in his side. I imagined that his face would be somewhat confused when he turned around because while I look a whole lot different than he remembered me – he would see something in me that he would recognize. I even spoke the words out loud: “You remember me?” He would have a puzzled look on his face for a split second until recognition broke across his face. Out loud I said, “Yah, Cris – you know, Jodi and Cris – Raylynn and Christine’s Jodi and Cris!” At that point I imagined him giving me a great big bear hug. I imagined that I smelled beer on him, but that I didn’t care. I was getting to see his smile again; see the twinkle in his eyes that always came with that Martin smile. After that, my thoughts drifted to other things…

So, I’m laying here doing that goddamned dilation the doc has me do and I thought that I would give Jodi a quick call to let her know that I had thrown together a little site that has some of my Thailand pictures on it. She said, “Hay, you remember Martin Ward?” I commented to her that it was really strange that she had mentioned him – that I was just thinking a lot about him. I thought she was about to tell me that he had come back into the program. So many of the folks I new, loved, shared with, wept with, gave to and received from had gone back out. But strangely enough, over the past year or so – one by one they are coming back in and each time I hear about one my heart becomes full. I want to run out, find them at a meeting and give them a big hug and be able – once again – to look in their eyes. To see them – to know them again.

She said, “I’m going to his funeral today.”

I was utterly speechless. My breath left me and for a moment I felt reality shift. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no… oh, god… no.

After I hung up, I talked to him – to Martin. I had to laugh at myself. Martin, the man who I trusted enough to own up to the reality of my gender incongruence… here I am talking to him, telling him again how much he touched my life and at that moment, I could almost hear his laugh: I’m laying here with an 8 inch stint all the way up my woo-ho trying to have this soul-felt emotional acknowledgement of the impact his spirit has had and still has on me. I had to laugh when I felt his sly little smirking laugh.

And that is the feeling I was left with: an embrace through his laughter – that twinkle in his eye – and his honest acceptance.

Martin, buddy. I love you. Big.

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